We’ve all been there. You bump into someone you know, or catch up with a friend, and the conversation opener is almost always the same: “How Are you?” It’s a social reflex, a verbal handshake. But how often do we pause to consider if it’s a question genuinely asked, or an expectation to simply reply, “I’m fine, thanks,” and move on? Marie Philips’ short story, “I’m Great. Thanks for Not Asking,” brilliantly captures the frustration of this very dynamic, highlighting the chasm that can grow in friendships when this simple question loses its meaning.
The Empty Echo of “How Are You?”
Philips’ narrative, delivered as a poignant monologue, unfolds in a bar, a setting ripe for connection yet ironically showcasing disconnection. The narrator awaits a friend, and the anticipated “How are you?” hangs in the air, heavy with unspoken resentment. It’s not the question itself that’s the issue, but the perceived lack of genuine interest behind it. The narrator acutely observes, “But I can see in your eyes that ‘how are you’ is not a genuine question. It’s just a piece of perfunctory politeness, a chance to give me a sentence or two before we get down to the real business of the evening, which is talking about you.”
This sentiment resonates deeply because it reflects a common experience. Friendships, once built on shared vulnerabilities and mutual curiosity, can sometimes morph into one-sided narratives. The “how are you” becomes a mere formality, a stepping stone to self-centered conversation. The story poignantly illustrates this by detailing what the narrator doesn’t share, knowing her friend’s disinterest: financial struggles, quirky family situations, and fantastical adventures are all kept under wraps, deemed too insignificant or inconvenient for the friend’s attention span.
Unpacking the Story: Humor and Heartbreak in a Question
The humor in Philips’ piece stems from the exaggerated scenarios – selling a cow for beans, climbing a beanstalk, encountering a giant, and stealing golden artifacts. These fantastical elements serve to underscore a very real and relatable emotional truth. Imagine sharing your life’s absurdities, your genuine struggles and small triumphs, only to be met with a glazed-over look or a swift pivot back to the other person’s far less interesting tomato plants or triathlon training.
The cow, the beanstalk, the giant – these are metaphors for the narrator’s life experiences, experiences she yearns to share with someone she once considered a close confidante. The golden goose and talking harp symbolize the fleeting nature of solutions and the ongoing, often comical, challenges of life. Yet, the friend’s anticipated response is always self-absorbed, trivializing the narrator’s experiences. The humor is laced with heartbreak because it exposes the painful reality of drifting friendships where empathy is replaced by ego.
Why We Ask (and Why We Stop Asking Genuinely)
Why does “how are you” become a hollow phrase? Life gets busy. People change. Interests diverge. Sometimes, friendships naturally evolve into a less intimate form. However, the story hints at a more specific dynamic: one friend has become consumed by their own life – symbolized by the husband, North London friends, and parenthood – leaving less space for genuine engagement with the narrator’s world.
The story subtly explores the shift from shared experiences (“I remember when we were teenagers, and you ran away from home… You knew what it was like to go through tough times”) to divergent paths. The friend, now seemingly more concerned with property values in beanstalk land and hedge fund husbands, has lost touch with the struggles and quirky realities of the narrator’s life. The “how are you” becomes a social script, performed out of habit rather than heartfelt curiosity.
Reclaiming Genuine Connection: Making “How Are You?” Meaningful Again
Is it possible to revive the genuine spirit of “how are you” in our friendships? Perhaps. It requires a conscious effort to move beyond surface-level politeness and cultivate deeper engagement. Here are a few thoughts:
- Listen Actively: When someone asks “how are you,” and especially when you ask it, truly listen to the response. Pay attention not just to the words, but also to the tone and body language.
- Ask Follow-Up Questions: Don’t let “I’m fine” be the end of the conversation if you sense there’s more to it. A simple “What’s been keeping you busy lately?” or “Anything interesting happening in your world?” can open the door for more meaningful sharing.
- Share Vulnerably: Reciprocity is key in friendships. Be willing to share your own experiences, both the good and the challenging. This creates a safe space for vulnerability and encourages deeper connection.
- Be Present: Put away distractions when catching up with friends. Give them your undivided attention, showing that you value their presence and their story.
- Recognize Changing Dynamics: Friendships evolve. Sometimes, a friendship may naturally become less close. Acknowledging this can be healthier than forcing superficial interactions. However, for friendships you value, conscious effort can make a difference.
The Lingering Question
Philips’ story ends with the narrator mirroring the insincerity she critiques. She asks, “I’m fine. How are you? Do you ever hear from those seven dwarves?” This sarcastic closing line underscores the deep sense of resignation and lost connection. The “how are you” has become a weapon, used to highlight the friend’s superficiality.
Ultimately, “I’m Great. Thanks for Not Asking” serves as a powerful reminder to examine the quality of our connections. It prompts us to consider: Are we truly interested in how our friends are, or are we simply going through the motions of social politeness? And more importantly, are we creating spaces in our friendships where genuine sharing and heartfelt “how are yous” can thrive? Perhaps, rethinking our approach to this simple question can be the first step towards rebuilding deeper, more meaningful connections in our lives.
