Love. It’s a word that’s thrown around easily, in songs, movies, and everyday conversations. But when it comes to your own relationships, figuring out if what you’re feeling is truly love can be confusing. Are you driven by genuine affection, or are you acting out of fear, societal pressure, or simply the ticking of your biological clock? Understanding the difference is crucial for building healthy and fulfilling relationships.
Sometimes, what we perceive as love can actually stem from a place of anxiety and insecurity. It’s important to recognize these fear-based motivations to ensure you’re building connections based on genuine love, not just the absence of fear. Let’s explore some signs to help you discern whether you are truly in love.
Spotting the Difference: Love vs. Fear-Based Attraction
It’s easy to mistake the urgency of fear for the pull of love. Here are some warning signs that your motivations might be rooted in fear rather than genuine love:
- Rushing into commitment because of your biological clock: Feeling pressured by time can lead to hasty decisions. If you’re primarily focused on settling down now rather than deeply connecting with your partner, it might be fear of aging or missing out driving the pace.
- Worrying about ending up alone: The fear of loneliness can be a powerful motivator. If your primary reason for wanting a relationship is to avoid being alone, it’s less about love for the other person and more about fear of solitude.
- Believing a romantic partner is essential for a successful life: Society often equates romantic partnership with success and happiness. If you feel incomplete without a partner or believe your life is unsuccessful without one, you might be seeking love from a place of insecurity and societal pressure.
- Staying in a relationship because of invested time: The “sunk cost fallacy” can apply to relationships. Feeling trapped because you’ve already invested significant time and effort, even if the relationship isn’t fulfilling, is a sign of fear of starting over, not love.
- Thinking you need to settle due to “high expectations”: While it’s important to have realistic expectations, feeling the need to drastically lower your standards and settle for less than you desire can stem from a fear of not finding anyone “good enough” or believing you are undeserving of true love. Remember to focus on your core standards – those are never too high when it comes to love and respect.
The Love Trifecta: Intimacy, Passion, and Commitment Reimagined
Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love provides a helpful framework for understanding love. It suggests that love is composed of three key components: intimacy, passion, and commitment. While Sternberg’s original interpretation of “passion” leans towards physical attraction, we can broaden this concept to gain a more comprehensive understanding of love.
- Passion as Focused Interest: Think of passion not just as lust, but as a deep and abiding interest in your partner. Just as you might have a passion for a hobby or career, passion in love is about being genuinely invested in your partner’s life, thoughts, and well-being. It’s about spending time thinking about them, wanting to learn more about them, and actively engaging in their world.
- Intimacy as Emotional Closeness: Intimacy is the cornerstone of loving relationships. It’s about feeling emotionally connected, understood, and safe with your partner. It’s the comfort of vulnerability, sharing your inner thoughts and feelings, and knowing you are accepted and valued for who you truly are.
- Commitment as a Conscious Decision: Commitment is the deliberate choice to build a life together, to face challenges as a team, and to support each other through thick and thin. It’s the understanding that you are partners in life, dedicated to each other’s well-being and the growth of your relationship. Commitment provides a sense of security and stability, knowing your partner is there for you, no matter what.
Empathy: The Heart of Loving Connection
A crucial indicator of love is empathy – the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. When you truly love someone, you genuinely care about their emotional state. You are mindful of what brings them joy, what causes them stress, and how they are navigating their world.
Empathy in love is not about codependency, which is rooted in fear and control. Instead, it’s about wanting to support your partner in feeling secure, content, and understood. It’s about being there for them emotionally, offering support and understanding without losing yourself in the process. This genuine care and concern for your partner’s well-being is a powerful sign of love.
Beyond Soulmates: Creating Lasting Love
The idea of a single “soulmate” can be detrimental to finding and nurturing real love. The concept often promotes a scarcity mindset – the fear that there’s only one perfect person out there, and if you miss them, you’re doomed. This belief can lead to unhealthy relationship patterns, lowering standards, self-doubt, and regret. True love is expansive and empowering, not limiting and fear-inducing.
Instead of searching for a pre-destined soulmate, focus on creating “soulmate relationships.” This shifts the focus from finding the “perfect” person to actively building a deep and meaningful connection with someone you choose. You don’t find a soulmate; you create a soulmate relationship together through shared experiences, mutual growth, and conscious effort.
To cultivate these soulmate relationships, shift your perspective. Instead of focusing on what you want in a soulmate, consider the kind of partner you want to be in a loving relationship. Ask yourself:
- How do I want to show up for my partner?
- How do I want to treat them with kindness and respect?
- What are the thoughts I want to cultivate about my partner – positive and supportive or critical and judgmental?
- Do I want to create a relationship filled with laughter, joy, and calm?
- Do I want my partner to feel confident, secure, and deeply connected?
- How do I want to communicate with my partner – openly and honestly or defensively and dismissively?
- How do I want to resolve disagreements – constructively and respectfully or destructively and angrily?
- How can I ensure my partner feels loved and cared for, and how can I effectively communicate my own needs for love and care?
- How do I want to feel about myself within this relationship – valued, appreciated, and supported?
- How can I actively choose love in my actions and thoughts every day?
Your “soulmate” relationship is not a matter of destiny but a product of daily co-creation. Remember, this concept extends beyond romantic love to friendships and family. By focusing on building deep connections and showing up as a loving and whole individual, you open yourself to a world abundant with love and meaningful relationships. The journey to finding love truly starts with loving yourself and actively creating the relationships you desire.
Resources
Finding the Spark Again in Your Relationship (or for the First Time)
What to Do When the Honeymoon Phase Ends in Your Relationship
How Attached Are You in Your Relationship?
How 5 Minutes of Mindfulness a Day Can Make Your Relationship Great
How to Make Mindfulness a Habit
You’ve Got to Have High Standards and Low Expectations
3 Steps to Loving Detachment
How to Practice Loving Detachment
5 Signs You’re in an Unhealthy Relationship (and 5 Simple Ways to Fix It)
How to Stop Being Insecure in Your Relationships
Regret Sucks: The 3-Step Process to Make It Stop
