I stood there, a man at my grandmother’s funeral, feeling nothing. They placed her in a simple casket in that sterile room, the scent of lilies attempting to mask the heavier air of grief. My family surrounded me, a silent, expectant audience for emotions I simply couldn’t access. The eulogy droned on, mispronouncing her name, a minor irritation in a sea of numbness. “Sharon,” the celebrant declared. “It’s Shirl,” a correction whispered from the pews. I felt a surge of frustration, not sadness. Then, the forced cheerfulness: “She’s in heaven, happy, eating cake!” It was too much. I excused myself, mumbling apologies, stepping on toes, and fled.
Outside, leaning against the funeral home wall, the mundane rush of traffic was the only real sensation. Memories of my grandmother surfaced – her love, her tough-as-nails Anzac biscuits – but they were intellectual recollections, devoid of feeling. I knew this moment demanded tears. Funerals are for crying, aren’t they? But the well was dry. Years had passed since I last truly cried. I felt hollow, a stranger in my own body, mirroring the lifelessness in the coffin. This emotional void felt like a profound betrayal of her memory, of my own humanity. Yet, the tears remained locked away.
Decades later, as a transgender woman, everything shifted. Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) became the key that unlocked my emotional world. Much is discussed about the physical transformations of HRT – the changes to skin, hair, body shape, and yes, even genitals. But for me, the most profound impact was existential. It was like finally fueling my engine with the right gasoline, ending years of running on empty.
For many trans women, the emotional effects of transition aren’t about inventing new feelings. It’s about resolution, a return to a baseline of emotional responsiveness. Imagine upgrading to high-definition emotions. Feelings that were once buried deep beneath layers of discomfort and dysphoria now reside just below the surface, vibrant and accessible. We still need to allow ourselves to feel, to process, but the constant static of body hatred fades, making space for genuine emotional experiences.
The Silent Struggle: When Tears Won’t Come
Many people, regardless of gender identity, experience periods where crying feels impossible. This emotional blockage can stem from various sources:
- Suppressed Grief: Sometimes, grief isn’t processed immediately and gets buried, leading to emotional numbness. The funeral scenario in the opening illustrates this perfectly. The expectation to grieve combined with an inability to access those feelings is a common experience.
- Societal Conditioning: Traditional masculine norms often discourage crying, teaching boys and men to suppress emotions, particularly sadness. This conditioning can create a deep-seated barrier to emotional expression, making it difficult to cry even when it’s needed. The author’s initial identity as a man and the “manly frame” she describes hint at this societal pressure.
- Mental Health Conditions: Depression, anxiety, and other mental health conditions can impact emotional regulation, sometimes leading to emotional flatness or difficulty crying.
- Stress and Burnout: Chronic stress can exhaust our emotional reserves, making it harder to access and express feelings, including sadness and the release of crying.
Understanding why you might find it hard to cry is the first step in reconnecting with this fundamental human emotion.
Reawakening Emotions: The Role of Transition
For transgender individuals, gender dysphoria can be a significant contributor to emotional suppression. Living in a body that feels fundamentally wrong can create a disconnect from one’s emotions. Transition, particularly HRT, can be a powerful catalyst for emotional reawakening.
- Hormonal Balance: HRT helps align hormonal profiles with gender identity. This hormonal shift can have a profound impact on brain chemistry and emotional processing, as experienced by the author.
- Reduced Dysphoria: As transition progresses and dysphoria lessens, the mental and emotional energy previously spent on coping with body discomfort becomes available for experiencing and processing emotions more fully.
- Self-Acceptance: Transition is a journey of self-discovery and self-acceptance. Embracing one’s true identity can create a greater sense of emotional safety and allow for vulnerability, which is essential for emotional release, including crying.
The Floodgates Open: Experiencing Emotions Fully
The author vividly describes her first “laughing/crying fit” after starting HRT. This experience highlights the overwhelming and beautiful nature of rediscovering emotions after a period of numbness.
- Emotional Intensity: When suppressed emotions are released, the experience can be intense, even overwhelming. The “rush of gratitude, excitement, nervousness and giddy joy” turning into “soup” illustrates this powerful emotional surge.
- The Interconnectedness of Emotions: The laughing and crying simultaneously demonstrate the fluidity of emotions. Joy and sadness, laughter and tears, are not always opposites but can be intertwined aspects of a full emotional life.
- Monthly Occurrence: The fact that this range of emotions became a “monthly occurrence” for the author signifies a lasting shift in her emotional landscape, a newfound ability to experience and express a wider spectrum of feelings regularly.
Beyond Tears: The Ripple Effects of Emotional Freedom
The benefits of emotional reconnection extend beyond just the ability to cry. The author notes other positive changes:
- Liberation from Unwanted Arousal: The shift in sex drive is described as “liberating.” This highlights how gender dysphoria can impact not only emotional well-being but also physical sensations and experiences. The change allows for a more comfortable and authentic relationship with one’s body.
- Deeper Connections with Others: Without the distraction and discomfort of dysphoria, the author can experience deeper, more genuine connections with friends, particularly women. This underscores how emotional well-being is crucial for healthy relationships.
- Improved Self-Perception: Ultimately, transition and emotional reawakening lead to becoming a “better person,” someone who is more comfortable with themselves and others. This self-acceptance is the foundation for a more fulfilling and joyful life.
The Journey to Self: Embracing Emotional Vulnerability
Transition is not without its challenges, including financial burdens and societal obstacles. However, as the author concludes, the journey to emotional authenticity and self-acceptance is invaluable.
- Voluntary Evolution: The author frames gender affirmation as “voluntary evolution,” a uniquely human capacity to shape our reality and improve our existence. This emphasizes the proactive and positive nature of transition.
- Self-Love and Joy: The core message is one of self-discovery and self-love. By embracing her true self and allowing herself to feel fully, including the vulnerability of tears, the author finds a newfound happiness and wholeness.
- Grandmother’s Perspective: The reflection on what her grandmother might think adds a poignant layer, suggesting a reconciliation with the past and a hopeful outlook on the future.
Learning How To Cry, or rather, how to allow yourself to cry, is about more than just shedding tears. It’s about unlocking suppressed emotions, embracing vulnerability, and ultimately, finding a deeper connection with yourself and the world around you. For the author, this journey of emotional reawakening was inextricably linked to her gender transition, a testament to the profound impact of living authentically.
