Free food. The two words together hold an undeniable allure. It’s a siren song that can tempt even the most disciplined among us to stray from our dietary paths and moral high ground. We’ve all seen it – the vegan eyeing a burger with unexpected longing, the dieter suddenly ‘forgetting’ their restrictions at the sight of complimentary snacks. There’s something about food that costs absolutely nothing that can make people abandon their principles and embrace their baser desires. And I, my friends, have delved deep into this phenomenon, discovering a method so simple, so readily available, that anyone can access the bounty of free food.
It started innocently enough. An email from Olive Garden landed in my inbox, a birthday gift offer of a free dessert. Now, I haven’t stepped foot in an Olive Garden in two decades, and how they got my email is a mystery, but that message sparked an idea. Initially, it was a fleeting thought: “Wouldn’t it be funny to grab that free dessert?” But the idea grew, morphing into something more ambitious. A single dessert didn’t feel substantial enough, especially not for a food article, and certainly not enough to warrant a special birthday trip to Olive Garden when I prefer celebrating at my favorite restaurants. Yet, the concept of free birthday treats had taken root.
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My curiosity piqued, I wondered if there were more significant freebies out there. Could I score a free appetizer? A whole meal? Perhaps even something beyond just a free meal? A little online exploration revealed a treasure trove of birthday freebies offered by restaurants. And the best part? Many of them required nothing more than an email address and had no real verification process for birthdays or even basic human-being status. A surge of power, previously unknown to me, washed over me. With a bit of planning, I realized I could potentially eat for free several times a week until societal collapse or my own demise. While I didn’t pursue that extreme path, I did decide to treat a friend to a lavish, cost-free feast, just to test the waters.
Discipline becomes a challenge when faced with a horizon brimming with opportunities for complimentary, albeit potentially questionable, food. I knew I needed strategy. One wrong move, and I could find myself on a whirlwind tour of IHOP, Denny’s, and Cinnabon within an hour, a culinary adventure that would necessitate weeks of penance at the gym. My first step was to sign up for birthday programs at a plethora of chain restaurants. Dunkin’ Donuts, Dairy Queen, Hooters, Einstein Bros Bagels, Noodles & Company – the list grew long. Most sent confirmation emails, some asking for my birthday, others simply hinting at a special birthday gift coming soon. I was making progress.
As my birthday neared, the freebies began to materialize. A complimentary dessert here, a free appetizer there. Burritos, coffees, full breakfast meals – the rewards rolled in. My next task was logistical: creating a geographical plan, keeping me within a reasonable radius of my apartment. No free food was worth hours of driving; my time, after all, does have some value. I constructed a spreadsheet, listing restaurants and their locations, and charted the most efficient route. I also considered the ideal meal composition – appetizers, entrees, desserts, and beverages. My curated, no-cost menu would include P.F. Chang’s, Red Robin, Steak ‘n Shake, Jersey Mike’s, and Jack in the Box.
The result? A grand total of $1.08 spent on a feast that included ma po tofu and vegetarian lettuce wraps from P.F. Chang’s, a veggie burger and fries from Red Robin, a veggie sub and Diet Pepsi from Jersey Mike’s, a vanilla milkshake from Steak ‘n Shake, and two tacos, churros, and chocolate cake from Jack in the Box.
Choosing what to order presented a slight complication. Red Robin offered any burger for free, no strings attached, and Jersey Mike’s provided a free sub and soda. However, Jack in the Box’s two free tacos required an additional purchase, as did P.F. Chang’s free appetizer. Since my objective was a zero-dollar outing, these were hurdles. For P.F. Chang’s, a forgotten gift certificate solved the problem. For Jack in the Box, I planned to rely on charm and see what I could negotiate.
P.F. Chang’s and Red Robin were seamless. But at Steak ‘n Shake, disaster struck. My coupon for a free steakburger and fries was expired, and the birthday milkshake coupon required an additional purchase. I inquired about the cheapest item on the menu. The cashier, genuinely clueless, offered no help. I deduced that a $.99 applesauce was my best bet. However, the cashier struggled to apply my coupon and called for backup. The assisting employee was equally baffled. Finally, the manager arrived, asked my milkshake preference (vanilla), punched some buttons, and handed me a vanilla milkshake, seemingly forgetting the applesauce. I made a swift exit before he noticed the oversight.
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Jack in the Box presented the final challenge. At the drive-thru, I was informed about the mandatory additional purchase for the free tacos. Feigning ignorance, I tried to plead my case, but they stood firm. The cheapest item? Churros. So, churros it was. At the window, the incredibly kind cashier wished me a happy birthday and asked if I preferred chocolate or cheesecake cake. Chocolate, I replied. A true hero, she slipped a piece of chocolate cake into my bag. Jack in the Box was my last stop, and I returned home, having spent $1.08 for an immense spread.
Back in my kitchen, surveying the mountain of free food, a wave of apprehension washed over me. Free food, yes, but at what cost? Was this tepid fast food really what I wanted to consume for lunch, and potentially beyond? Just weeks prior, I had dined at Alinea, a world-renowned restaurant, and now this?
My friend Kristen joined me for the free food feast, and she too was immediately concerned. We decided to prioritize taste. The Red Robin burger and fries were uninspiring, and the tacos were now soggy and oily. We skipped those. The ma po tofu was a disappointing, dry, and bland imitation of a beloved Szechuan dish.
In the end, we both enjoyed halves of the Jersey Mike’s veggie sub and the P.F. Chang’s vegetarian lettuce wraps. The rest now resides in my refrigerator or trash. Had I flown too close to the sun on wings of Steak ‘n Shake coupons? How many grueling workout classes and therapy sessions would it take to erase the shame of conceiving and executing this free food mission? Probably a considerable amount, costing more than I earned writing this piece.
As I finish writing at 6:30 AM, I’m about to embrace the absurdity of my life by eating a few bites of leftover ma po tofu with coffee before heading to the gym and then the office. Yes, corporations are willing to trade free food for your email address. But I only recommend engaging if you’re prepared to potentially sacrifice a sliver of your culinary soul in the process.
